Giant Crabs: Just What the Economy Needs!

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From the only reliable source of news on the net, the Onion.  Personally, I am waiting for trained flying monkey servants to do the jobs homo sapiens do not want to do.  It is only a rumor that Governor Quinn of Illinois is attempting to land a contract for the construction of a Giant Crab hatchery on the lake shore of Chicago.

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7 Comments

  1. Here’s a much older (1997) story from the Onion about the fading prospects for peace in the Middle West:

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/midwest-peace-talks-shattered-by-illinois-tollboot,484/

    “In a follow-up to Monday’s attack, the Iowa-based group FIB is stepping up demands that Illinois withdraw all shoppers from the occupied Plaza Strip Mall.

    “Unless Illinois pulls out of the Plaza Strip, the violence will only escalate,” a press statement from the militant group read. “Illinoisans have shopped in the Plaza Strip territory for dozens of years, attracted to the lower sales tax here in Iowa. Meanwhile, they have driven countless Iowans from their rightful shopping grounds with their loud, rude, pushy, obnoxious ways. From now on, Illinoisans are not permitted in the Plaza Strip.”

    FIB is also demanding that control of disputed Mississippi River border settlements revert to the ethnic Scandinavians who occupy them, claiming squatters’ rights.

    Reacting angrily to the demands, (then-Illinois Gov.-elect George) Ryan renewed his hardline stance against tourism.

    “Our people have been subjected to increasingly hostile assaults from our neighbors to the west,” Ryan said. “They come into our territory with their minivans and portable barbecue grills and leave a trail of trash in their wake. For too long, we have placated these belligerent foreigners, offering them reduced admissions to our waterparks and ‘kids stay free’ deals at our hotels. From this day forward, the state of Illinois will not negotiate with tourists.”

  2. And now we face the gravest threat yet to Midwest peace…. a Bears-Packers showdown for the NFC title!

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