PopeWatch: Teaching on a Jet Plane

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

 

Pope Francis gave a press conference on his flight back to Rome Thursday, declaring that all interviews given aboard a plane would henceforth be declared infallible.

“I , the Supreme Pontiff, intend to affirm that all statements made aboard this or any plane I am on will, from this day forward, be considered doctrine, which is to be held definitively for all the people of the Church,” Francis said after delivering a lengthy speech about how “absolutely epic” the street tacos were in Mexico. “Since being on a plane brings us close to 45,000 feet closer to heaven, all that I say will be put forth infallibly by the ordinary and universal magisterium.”

Francis went on to say that, “when, henceforth, I make a pronouncement from the Seat of St. Peter, which will from now on be over in seat A3, every believer will be required to give firm and definitive assent to the truths I proclaim, including the kinda weird things, based on faith in the Holy Spirit’s assistance to the Church’s Magisterium in the sky.”

“If anyone shall say that any dogmas proposed by me at such heights must be given a meaning different from that which I meant, let him not only be anathema, but also let him be made to open the emergency door and to jump. Thereafter, in a show of God’s mercy, we shall toss a parachute out, and let he that was made anathema try to chase it in the air like Special Agent Johnny Utah in Point Break when he jumps out of the plane without a parachute and has to chase down Bodhi so he can use his parachute.”

PopeWatch attempted to contact the Pope for comment but was advised that he was giving an interview to The Onion.

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8 Comments

  1. Well, this again confirms my thoughts, early on, in this pregnancy, er, papacy:
    1) This pope isn’t too smart, evidenced by his train-wreck of a theological career;
    2) I am convinced he also is suffering from some type of cerebral pathology, as evidenced by the hush-hush visit of a world-class brain surgeon to the Vatican, as reported by the Italian news journal, Quotadiano Oct 21, 2015. In the case of the latter, the frontal-parietal lobe’s judgment and reasoning functions are all mixed up (and maybe doped-up). He probably has been advised, but he is the Visionary by self-acclamation, and is not likely going to restrain himself, even if he could.

    The key phrases of the interview are where, while correctly dismissing abortion as an option , he addresses contraception on either side of answering the abortion issue:
    “On the ‘lesser evil,’ avoiding pregnancy, we are speaking in terms of the conflict between the fifth and sixth commandment. Paul VI, a great man, in a difficult situation in Africa, permitted nuns to use contraceptives in cases of rape,….On the other hand, avoiding pregnancy is not an absolute evil. In certain cases, as in this one, such as the one I mentioned of Blessed Paul VI, it was clear. ”
    ….
    And in Humanae Vitae (#14), here is where Paul VI with uncustomary clarity states is the complete opposite of the Bergoglio line:

    “Though it is true that sometimes it is lawful to tolerate a lesser moral evil in order to avoid a greater evil or in order to promote a greater good,” it is never lawful, even for the gravest reasons, to do evil that good may come of it—in other words, to intend directly something which of its very nature contradicts the moral order, and which must therefore be judged unworthy of man, even though the intention is to protect or promote the welfare of an individual, of a family or of society in general. Consequently, it is a serious error to think that a whole married life of otherwise normal relations can justify sexual intercourse which is deliberately contraceptive and so intrinsically wrong.”
    ….
    All of you knew all that: Yet we reach another new plateau of shock, when this latest foolishness dropped from the papal lips (along with his gratuitously attacking Trump—amazing: silences on Obama; hugging the communist dictators of Venezuela and Cuba, two of the greatest murderers of our time; and clasping to his breast earlier this month Iranian president Hassan Rouhani, the very funder of the ISIS murderers of Christians in Iraq and Syria—all with a big smile each time: but attacking Trump. A triumph of hypocrisy.). Yet, it appears we are in for more.

  2. (To the tune of ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane)
    [report across the AP wires]

    All his crowds are blessed
    He’s ready to show
    Press standin’ there outside his door
    Who’s to judge what’s true to us anymore
    As the plane is risin’
    It’s lot of yapping
    About walls and bridges
    He’s sounding his trumpet
    Now who needs a missal
    To survive

    He prays for us and smiles right here
    Tells us what we want to hear
    Talks about the doctrines we can let go
    For he’s teaching on a jet plane
    Don’t know what Pontiff’s gonna say
    About traditions, we can let go

    There’s so many times he’ll let us down
    So many times he’ll play around
    I tell you now, they don’t mean a thing
    Ev’ry place he goes, he’ll speak anew
    Up in the sky, he’ll toss out news
    When he comes back, he’ll bring gay wedding rings

    He prays for us and smiles right here
    Tells us what we want to hear
    Talks about the doctrines we can let go
    For he’s teaching on a jet plane
    Don’t know what Pontiff’s gonna say
    About traditions, we can let go

    Now the time has come for touchdown
    The plane will land
    He’ll give his blessing
    We close our eyes
    He sees things our way
    I’ll dream about the days to come
    When I can marry a second time
    By his signs, “change is on its way”

    He prays for us and smiles right here
    Tells us what we want to hear
    Talks about the doctrines we can let go
    For he’s teaching on a jet plane
    Don’t know what Pontiff’s gonna say
    About traditions, we can let go

    ‘Cause he’s teaching on a jet plane
    Don’t know what Pontiff’s gonna say
    About traditions, we can let go

    (sorry, had to do it)

  3. We understand that His Holiness had a large portion of his right lung removed when he was twenty years old. He may experience a degree of hypoxia at aircraft cruising altitudes, where the effective elevation of the pressurized cabin is 6,000-8,000 feet above sea level.

  4. “We understand that His Holiness had a large portion of his right lung removed when he was twenty years old. He may experience a degree of hypoxia at aircraft cruising altitudes, where the effective elevation of the pressurized cabin is 6,000-8,000 feet above sea level.”

    I have had a very eminent physician mention the same observation about the Pope to me.

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