PopeWatch: Keys

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:



Saying that he could’ve sworn he put them right there on top of the cabinet beside his bed, Pope Francis is reportedly frantically tearing up his apartment in search of his pair of keys to the Kingdom of Heaven that he misplaced sometime this afternoon.

“Oh, come on, Francis, you always do this!” an angry Francis berated himself as he tossed sheets to the floor, looked inside his freezer, and in the inside pockets of all of his vestments.  “Great, now you’re gonna be late for the General Audience. Ok, don’t panic. Just retrace your steps. You came home from Krav Maga, opened the door, threw the gym bag to the floor, and then went to shower. Where the heck did I put the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven? Man, today’s Purgatory transfers to Heaven are gonna be pissed when they find out they’re locked out.”


After looking for the keys for more than an hour, Francis reportedly made a call to Pope Emeritus Benedict, with whom he had breakfast before Krav Maga, to check whether or not he might’ve forgotten them with him.

“Nope, not with him,” Francis told EOTT after hanging up the phone. “Benedict hasn’t seen them since 2013. Pope Michael called ten minutes ago claiming he had them, but he’s just insane. Well, I suppose I’ll check beneath the bed for the twentieth time.



Nope, PopeWatch is not going to touch this one.



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  1. The only problem with Eye of the Tiber is that the reality with this pope is much stranger than the most energetic lampoonery. Buffoonery outpoints lampoonery any day:

    For example, one of P. Francis’ warmly received visits was from Venezuelan successor to Hugo Chavez, Nicolas Maduro: Here is PF giving the little devil a warm welcome to the Vatican in 2013:


    However, the Venezuelan crisis, based on an economic system of “fairness” that is wholely endorsed in PF’s Evangelii Gaudium has predictably worsened during the 3 years of his own “popewatch”:

    Even he being alarmed by the unfolding disaster, in Feb 2014, PF appealed for “sincere dialogue” to resolve the ongoing economic crisis (“Pssst, Holy Father, it’s their COMMUNIST SOCIALIST system, that you lauded in Evangelii Gaudium in Nov. 2013..”); Now, on May 2, 2016, PF wrote a letter to Maduro, asking ‘that everyone may work for the common good, seeking spaces of dialogue and cooperation with all” (“Psst, Holy Father, its COMMUNISM and SOCIALISM hat is destroying them, like the well-redistribution plan of the Paraguayan bishops that you endorsed in EG, too).
    Oh, Holy Father, you might also want to take a look at Brazil, which is now an economic basket case also thanks to now-ousted president Dilma Rousseff (who was herself a communist youth member in the 60’s and a member of a violent communist military group organized against the government) and her predecessor “Lula” (prior Red president Luis Inacio Lula da Silva, 2005-2010): the time table is like Venezuela’s under Chavez & Maduro: after about 10 years, the money completely runs out and civil war is next. (“Psst, Holy Father, its COMMUNISM and SOCIALISM hat is destroying them, like EG, which gives them cover to rip off everyone under the disguise of care for the poor. You are complicit, Holy Father: they praised EG, being kindred spirits.”) Too bad you are too Argentine-stubborn, Holy Father, to keep backing the wrong economic horse.

    To wit, we learn in the Venezuela of horrific rioting Friday May 13th from Panampost and from other sources as Venezuela has run out of money to borrow:


    Yes, an estimated crowd of 5000 or more rioted when a foodmart ran out of food in the failed state. Oil-rich Venezuela’s income has been stolen by its communist polit-bosses, esp. Maduro. The people are starving—just like in N Korea and Cuba. And a salient point for us “Norteamericanos” to be aware of, if we get 8 more years of Obama-II. Our decade is running out.

    Well, Holy Father, you have the power to change things: if you can only find your keys.

  2. There you go again! Now the “purgatory” trolls will be at it. You just alerted their internet scanner servers in that forest outside Bethesda Maryland. “Purgatory? We don’t need no stinkin’ purgatory! We got our sola fide get into Heaven free tickets!” Guy McClung, San Antonio, Texas

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