Our bruin friend at Saint Corbinian’s Bear is contemplating converting to Islam:
B’ism Allah, ar-rahman ar-raheem; as-salaam’alekum.
The Bear is thinking pretty seriously of converting to Islam, in sha’ Allah. The more he thinks about it, it is really a no-brainer.
- It would give him a reason to brush up on his Arabic. (“Marhaban! Ana dub al-jameel.”)
- Everybody would suck up to him.
- Allah is really the exact same God as Catholics worship, as everyone in the Church keeps insisting, and Muslims are all going to Heaven like everyone else, so no worries there. (No Hell anyway, or at least none ordinary folk like we have to worry about.)
- Muslims actually take their religion seriously, even the ones in charge.
- Muslims never had a Vatican II.
- No single leader saying crazy stuff all the time (you can take your pick).
- The Bear is pretty sure he could quickly rise to prominence as something involving some serious fanaticism.
- The Bear could be as Bearish as he wanted, and if anyone said anything, he would just roar “Islamo-urso-phobia.”
- Hunting a Muslim Bear would be a hate crime.
- A 1300-year-old Bear has learned to play the long game. For the foreseeable future, Muslims are in the cultural catbird seat, not Catholics.
- Wearing one of those things on his head all the time would cover up his Bear Pattern Baldness.
- The Bear could even become a cleric, and publish one of those radicalizing ephemera that innocent Muslim kids see and are instantly brainwashed into killers. (Er, make that “instantly become mentally unstable,” per Archbishop Cupich and others.)
- He already has a cave to hide in. And goats.
- It’s as close as he’ll ever get to being Muad Dib. (Hmm… “db” means Bear.)
- He could have more than one- never mind. That’s just asking for a blood bath courtesy of Red Death. Including the Bear’s blood.
- Salmon would be shipped in by the truckload from collections in mosques all over the country.
- The Bear would have to change the title and artwork of his ephemeris.
- There was that whole Sudanese teddy Bear blasphemy case which still rankles.
- Building a new audience would be a pain, unless he could get all his readers to convert along with him. (Pretty please?)
- The Bear’s brand of cutting humor might not be funny to homicidal fanatics, which would just be inviting a fatwah.