PopeWatch: Robertson Guard

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From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

In an effort to become more inclusive, The Pontifical Swiss Guard announced this morning that it would begin defending leaders of other faiths for the first time in its long history.

Beginning next month, the Pontifical Swiss Guard will be known as the Interreligious Swiss Guard.

“Interreligious Swiss Guard perfectly represents the new, inclusive program to help protect Protestant pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders, including the security of their megachurches, synagogues and so on,” said Commander of the Interreligious Swiss Guard Christoph Graf.

Graf went on to announce that twenty members of the Swiss Guard have already been ordered to move from Rome and to be stationed at The 700 Club headquarters in Virginia Beach, Virginia, next week where they will have the duty to protect and defend television personality Pat Robertson.

“As we enter the dawn of a new era for our organization, it is important that no religious leaders feel excluded. We no longer want anyone to think that their religion and leadership is not worthy of protection,” Graff said.

Requirements to enter the Interreligious Swiss Guard will also change to reflect the new standards. Guards must be Catholic or not, single males or females with Swiss citizenship or citizenship from any another country, who have obtain certificates of good to decent conduct.

The official oath that will be sworn in Virginia Beach next week will be as follows:

I swear I will faithfully, loyally and honorably serve Pat Robertson and his descendants, and dedicate myself to them with all my strength, sacrificing, if necessary, my life to defend them. I assume this same commitment with regard to Christian Broadcasting Network executives whenever the Network See is vacant. Furthermore I promise to the Commanding Captain and my other superiors respect, fidelity and obedience. I swear to observe all that the honor of my position demands of me.

 

Go here to comment.  The Vatican has refused to confirm or deny that the new Guard will be armed with recordings of the homilies of the Pope.

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2 Comments

  1. Brilliant satire, just brilliant, and much more educational than a theologian’s fisking debate.

  2. Can’t Pat use his alledged spiritual gifts to warn him when an attack is coming? And couldn’t his followers pray away such an attack, like they supposibly deflected that hurricane from Virginia Beach some years back?

Comments are closed.