As a person who has voted for a Republican, I am a fascist. As you may know, fascists want to control every aspect of people’s lives (and I don’t want to hear any fancy political science definitions to the contrary). With the college football season starting tonight and professional football starting a week from now, it is the perfect time to consider the ethical approach Catholics must take towards professional football. I have attempted this once before, but like Cassandra, no one really listened to my wise teachings. Therefore, I must witness once again by examining afresh all the professional football teams in light of Catholic teaching in order to determine whether Catholics may root for them while avoiding the fires of hell.
Buffalo Bills: There are two types of bills: Dollar bills or bills for debt-like credit card bills. Both of these bills signify an emphasis on money. But as the Lord told us, you cannot serve both God and Mammon. It is clear that Buffalo has chosen the latter, a choice hateful to Catholics. Furthermore, this blithe acceptance of debt is precisely what has gotten this country in economic trouble at the moment. One suspects that the Buffalo Bills may be just as responsible for this crisis as George W. Bush is. Therefore, Catholics ought to reject greed and the Buffalo Bills.
New England Patriots: These are Patriots? They have a silver helmet with a picture of Elvis on it. If they were true Patriots, their symbol would be an American flag or at least the Statute of Liberty putting her boot in the butt of a terrorist. Their uniforms should simply be the American flag over and over again. It is clear that they are only pretending to Patriots and are simply not patriotic enough. Additionally, Bill Simmons roots for the Patriots and if you have anything in common with “The Sports Guy” you’re going straight to hell. Man, he’s an idiot. Returning to the inquisition:
New York Jets: The Jets remind us of gang warfare. This kind of lawlessness cannot be tolerated by a Catholic. Additionally, the Jets are coached by a very fat man. Contrary to what some sissy Catholics are claiming, gluttony is seriously sinful and must be opposed by Catholics.
Miami Dolphins: if one looks at the Dolphin’s logo, you will see an anthropomorphized dolphin-he wears a helmet. This denies the unique dignity of man. Simply put, animals are animals and placed here by God to be shot and eaten, not become like humans.
Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens got their name from an Edgar Allen Poe poem. While passing over the sissy nature of poetry for the moment, the poem reportedly revels in the repetition of the word “Nevermore.” This is merely a promotion of hopelessness, which the Holy Father has warned us seriously against and must be rejected.
Cincinnati Bengals: One might consider that by going to a Bengals game, one is likely to perform the corporeal mercy of visiting those in jail considering the number of players who are routinely visit our nation’s penal system. So Catholics can be Bengals fans, right? WRONG! Their star player changed his name to “Chad Ochocinco.” to represent his number “85.” However, ochocinco is only eight-five in English, not eighty five. Although it is difficult to determine whether this error is due to Chad’s inability to understand Spanish or Chad’s difficulties with the numbering system, it is clear that the team’s support of this error shows a kind of relativism that Catholics, who are in love with Truth, indeed the Truth, must reject.
Cleveland Browns: Having a team named the Browns while having an orange helmet is something that makes no sense outside of Browns fans, and therefore is obviously a display of Gnosticism. Presumably this embrace of Gnosticism will lead many Cleveland fans to the depths of hell-where the devil will either show them “The Decision” or Cleveland Browns games on an eternal loop.
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers represent an age of Steel. Now, here at TAC we love the age of steel, right? Unbridled capitalism was great, right? So maybe we do love the Steelers? However, in the context of the Church, Steel means one thing: ugly as sin Spirit of Vatican II Churches. Indeed modern churches have been enabled by steel. When you look up from the liturgical dancers, you inevitably see exposed steel beams. While steel is okay for corporate HQs, it is not for Churches. Yet the Steelers promote use of steel without reservation, and therefore ought to be opposed by Catholics who appreciate beauty in their Churches.
Houston Texans: Their symbol looks like the devil himself and shows their love of Satan. Furthermore, the city of Houston failed to choose the best aspect of their city and indeed of the state of Texas: the Eastbound Interstate-10. This under-appreciation of the true gifts of the city combined with the blatant devil-worshiping.
Indianapolis Colts: The symbol of the Colts is a horseshoe. This is a common trinket among the superstitious. As superstition is merely another form of paganism, it must be rejected by Catholics.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Apparently, there are no more Jaguars fans and so this point is moot. Perhaps I succeeded in converting the people Jacksonville! Indeed, if one considered being a Jaguars fan now, one would have to totally hate the idea of community and be instead embracing a rampant individualism, so alone in the stadium would one be.
Tennessee Titans: Pagan gods. Need I say more?
Denver Broncos: The Broncos play in stadium that is “mile high” b/c the stadium (and city) is so high above everyone else. This is clearly an attempt by the Broncos to position themselves as a “city on a hill” and claim to be a utopia or heaven on earth. Catholics must oppose this kind of utopianism (In fact, the stadium hosted Obama’s DNC nomination acceptance speech which echoed these socialist utopian ideas).
Kansas City Chiefs: Chiefs were the ones who carried out the murders of Catholic missionaries. They must be opposed by Catholics. If Kansas City wanted to be Catholic, they would have celebrated the missionaries, not their killers.
Oakland Raiders: Although the Raiders provide much joy to people across the league due to their ineptitude, their fan base embraces wearing skeletons. Indeed, there is so much celebration of a culture of death that Planned Parenthood would feel uncomfortable (well, maybe not).
San Diego Chargers: To name your team after something that simply replenishes your battery power for laptops or phones suggests either an over-emphasis on technology that or an embrace of lameness. Seriously, who wants to plug in their phone and think “that’s the name of my football team.” Catholics are not lame and therefore not Chargers fans.
Alas, there are no teams in the AFC worthy of endorsement by Catholics! Perhaps the NFC shall produce better results.
Dallas Cowboys: There is no team more hateful to God than the Cowboys. It is true that the Cowboys put a hole in their roof so that God could watch the Cowboys play, but that is because was always rooting for the other team so intensely. The Cowboys celebrate an individualist lifestyle that is not in accordance with Catholic teaching on the need for community. Furthermore, during one of the games the team had their fans wear 3-D glasses to watch the game in 3-d on their absurdly large tv screen. There is not way a Catholic can support this team.
New York Giants: The over-emphasis on size belies the beauty of the small things-like the tiny flowers present in God’s creation or the unborn. It suggests a lack of humility an an embrace of pride. The Giants therefore promote an inability to see the “Little Way” and are not acceptable to Catholics. Indeed, Catholics should emulate David and smite the Giants with tiny pebbles.
Philadelphia Eagles: Eagles fans once attacked Santa Claus. Santa Claus is the embodiment of St. Nicholas. Such a display is worthy of a persecution, not a team that is acceptable to Catholics.
Washington Redskins: They suffer from the same problems as the Chiefs (killing missionaries) while also being racist. Rejected.
Arizona Cardinals: It is a serious sin to impersonate a priest, and yet here is this team attempting to impersonate cardinals! Indeed, they are so wicked that their stadium is an image of a coiled snake. This is wickedness that cannot be accepted.
San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers promote men who left their families in the pursuit of gold. As stated earlier, men must serve either God or mammon, and the 49ers are willing to abandon their families in pursuit of their false idol.
St. Louis Rams: Whenever you hear of a Ram, you think of a Dodge Ram. Dodge was bailed out by the government in a deal that violates both subsidiarity and usery. Additionally, their helmets make their players look like they have rams horns out of their ears. This attempt to make men look like beasts is contrary to the dignity of man as created by God.
Seattle Seahawks: It is not surprising that in the land which produced Starbucks and Microsoft bears another evil thing. God’s creation ought to be accepted as it is, yet the Seahawks transplant bizarre colors on an animal of God. This desire to play God is the root of pride and of the devil’s fall, and Catholics must avoid falling like the devil.
Chicago Bears: As Stephen Colbert can attest, bears are evil. Perhaps paired with beets and battlestar gallatica they can be acceptable, but otherwise not. Indeed, this video shows that bears are creepy and anti-Catholic. Bears fans are known to feast on the misery of others. Not acceptable behavior for Catholics.
Detroit Lions: While I don’t think anyone still lives in Detroit, Lion eat Christians. That’s what they did in Rome, and that’s what they do to Catholics unwary enough to slip into their trap.
Green Bay Packers: Having fans that are “cheeseheads” only shows how little respect they have for the gift of our intellects. God gave us brains, not cheese, and we should praise his gift, not reject it.
Minnesota Vikings: Vikings are celebrated pagans who pillaged innocent towns, committing unspeakable atrocities while doing so. Additionally, Brett Farve is a whiny person who epitomizes both pride and an unwillingness to rest and all men in accordance with the natural law ought to root against him.
Atlanta Falcons: Catholics love purity while the Falcons rejoice in their name of “Dirty Birds.” In order to uphold purity, Catholics must reject the Falcons.
Carolina Panthers: Like the Seahawks, the Panthers have distorted God’s creation by taking an animal he created and fixing bizarre colors on them. The silver and bright blue is not natural to Panthers and ought to be considered as an attack on the creation of God.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Piracy is sinful and is not to be celebrated.
New Orleans Saints: The team was founded on All-Saints’ Day and named because of that. Like the saints of the Church, the Saints suffered for many many years only at the end to receive glory and honor beyond their wildest dreams. In short, the Saints are clearly a team that all Catholics should celebrate and support. Considering that all other teams failed the test, to be a Catholic, one must also be a Saints fan. WHO DAT!!!
(Also, the Saints are very clearly pro-life).
This post is meant as a joke. One ought not to interpret this to reveal any positions on anything serious, such as the Big 3 bailout. All that is seriously asserted is that you should be a Saints fan. That, and Cowboys fans probably are going to hell.