Choose Your Pope!

Hattip to Matt Archbold at Creative Minority Report.  From those hilarious folks at The Lutheran Satire.  Just remember in the coming days of the Conclave that the bubble headed blonde in the above video will accurately reflect the knowledge base of many of the talking heads on television pontificating about would be pontiffs.

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  1. No man can follow in the footsteps of Jesus Christ perfectly, except through the Holy Spirit, in Persona Christi, and the ordination and consecration of the Sacraments of Christ’s Catholic Church. When I see the words Sede Vacante, I see the devil’s advocate.

  2. Almost-complete transcript for those who (like myself) couldn’t make out what the strangeless affectless chirpy female was saying:

    A recent college graduate, Kelly earned a BA in Advanced Feng-Shui Marketing. A self-described way-devoted super-Catholic, Kelly has attended mass almost seven times: therefore, making her opinions on the theological direction of the Catholic Church entirely valid and perfectly worthy of public attention.

    “Question #1: Since I have absolutely no interest in knowing the scriptural and historical reasons for the male only priesthood, and since my Religious Worldviews in the Feminist Paradigm professor told me that, like, five of the apostles were totally women, I think the Catholic Church is finally ready for women priests. You guys agree, right?

    Oulette: “No.”
    Turkson: “No.”
    Scola: “No.”

    Kelly: “Whatever.”

    “Question #2: Like most devout Catholic women who don’t go to Mass and don’t believe anything the Church says, I use birth control because babies are a lot of work and my boyfriend and I totally need to re-tile our master bathroom. That’s cool with you guys, right?”

    Oulette: “No.”
    Turkson: “No.”
    Scola: “No.”

    Kelly: “You guys are lame.”

    “Question #3: I like the aesthetics of the Catholic Church but don’t like its theology. I support no-fault divorce, abortion rights, gay marriage, gender-neutral language, and think that it’s mean to criticize Islam. I couldn’t be more of a liberal episcopalian if Katherine Jefferts-Schori formed me from the dust from the ground, and yet I still inexplicably identify myself as a Catholic.”

    Cardinal Ouellet: “Is there a question coming any time soon?”

    Kelly: “Unless you want to be elected bishop of mysogyny, don’t interrupt me! My question is this: even though my utter indifference towards the church [Episcopal] that perfectly represents my theology clearly reveals that there’s no way that I’ll ever come back to the Catholic faith, you guys will still cast aside your vows to be faithful to the teachings of the Catholic Church unto death, and reject 2000 years of tradition in a pathetic attempt to woo me, right?

    Oulette: “No.”
    Turkson: “No.”
    Scola: “No.”

    [Dialog too hard ot make out despite repeated tries. The gal’s vocal pitch is out of my auditory range. Sorry.]

    “Question #4: My favourite TV show is “Glee”…

    Cardinal Ouellet: “Oh, sweet mercy, no!”
    Cardinal Turkson: “Stop!”
    Cardinal Scola: “Please shut your mouth before the Angel of Death destroys us all!”

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