Tips to ISIS on Chicago


Chicago ain’t no sissy town!

Alderman Michael “Hinky Dink” Kenna

Got to love the modern age.  An Isis terrorist purportedly tweeted the above image which shows the Old Republic building in Chicago: reports the message on the paper as, “Soldiers of the Islamic state of Iraq and Syria will pass from here soon.” The message is dated “20 June, 2014.”

The text of the tweet adds: “We are in your state, We are in your cities, We are in your streets.” Other tweets say, “we are here #america near our #target…sooooooooooooon.”

Go here to read the rest.  As someone who has some experience with the Windy City, I would like to give the ISIS terrorists some tips:


1.  Keep your beheading axes firmly under wraps.  If not, they will be quickly taken by the skilled thieves of Chicago and fenced within two hours flat.

2.  If you set up an operational base in a commercial section, it will be only a matter of hours before some official will be around talking about safety inspections.  Slip him at least 200 or I guarantee something will be found wrong and your base will be shut down.

3.  If you do park a vehicle on the street some sketchy individual will come up and offer to watch your vehicle.  If you do not pay him you might come back and find your car vandalized.  If it is a high end vehicle you might come back and find your car gone.

4.  Rush hour is never a good time to go around the City, so plan any get away accordingly, unless you wish to be stuck in traffic for the first portion.

5.  Sturdy beggers will come up to you for alms. If you do not pay them they may decide that the voices in their heads are requiring them to follow you for blocks yelling at you.

6.  If you travel around Chicago by car do not be surprised if, in heavy traffic, you notice that many of the other drivers, as they are driving, are not looking at the road but rather texting, reading a book, manicuring their nails, arguing with the person in the passenger seat, etc.  This would be an opportune time to pray to Allah.

7.   Chicago invented random, senseless violence, so be cautious, but if you do get caught in a gang cross fire hitting the dirt is usually a very good idea, even if the dirt is a very filthy piece of pavement.  Do not agree to be interviewed by the reporters who will be swarming the place soon thereafter, and the police who will be seeking a statement and an address.  Tell all and sundry if you do get asked about it that you saw nothing, which will be accepted as a traditional Chicago response.

8.  If you do perform a terrorist attack in Chicago, I would advise you not to be caught by a Chicago mob thereafter for the reason set forth in the below video clip:






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  1. It has the look of two separate photos photoshopped into one because the graininess is different in fingers and paper versus all else…even allowing for the buildings being distant in aerial perspective terms. Also the rigidity of the top of the paper seems odd outdoors as though it’s on a desk and is only turning toward us at the top left where his fingers are lifting the edge from the desk.

  2. One more thing. His thumb is receiving light from up/ and left. But this means his other finger should not have a shadow line at the top but it does or rather this is a line caused by the photoshop process.

  3. Add #9. If you set up in a “rough neighborhood” (the comfort goats will not raise as much suspicion), bring more men and more guns; and don’t go out body armor.

    I’ll be in town two weeks beginning tomorrow.

    Come three-fourths of the world and we will shock them.

  4. #5 happened to me once in Chicago while visiting a friend about 10 years ago. I found it one of the scariest experiences of my fairly sheltered life. I still get nervous around panhandlers. My friend from Chicago doesn’t even remember the event. Hardened by the city.

  5. Mrs. Zummo,
    You were correct that the moment was scarey….and I’m from a very unsheltered early life. Some beggars are really street mugger ethos men trying to stay legal through subtle intimidation….like staying after you say no….a problem at the outdoor cafes of Hoboken right now where I made another thug enemy recently in yet another town by coming up into his face….which never do unless you practice upper cuts…the close quarters sucker punch that will beat his sucker right hand. The current Manhattan cartoon characters at Times square have this element amongst them and Manhattan is considering licensing them since some have been pressuring people for ten and twenty dollar tips for photos while it’s supposed to be one dollar. I believe several were arrested…one for hitting the cop.

  6. I do not think that the gangsters, thieves and murderers of Chicago will respond kindly to anyone performing executions but them. ISIS / ISIL may well meet its match in evil.

  7. Everything everyone said about Chicago, where I have been just three times, applies equally to Washington, DC, where I worked for more than five years. Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t get killed driving through Southeast and Northeast Washington.

    People who commute from the Laurel area, Howard County and Baltimore do not have an expressway that takes them into or out of DC. There is a motley combination of roads that go through rough neigborhoods. A run down station wagon tried to run me off of a ramp on the Pennsylvania Avenue bridge. I was angry because I wanted to leave early but was stuck at work because another coworker left early and I had to do his job. The driver climbed out of the car and flipped me off. They might have had a gun. Another pair of nasty people drove in front of me for miles going 40 MPH on the BW Parkway, cutting in front of me every time I tried to pass. At the I-95 exit, I feigned going left. The driver of the car in front of me made a quick move left to cut me off. I then downshifted to third gear, made a hard right, floored it and roared by the jackasses on the cloverleaf ramp to I-95 north.

    The Baltimore Washington Parkway is, for a section, owned by the National Park Service and there are rarely police to be seen. The District of Columbia is a dangerous place away from Northwest DC. Capitol Hill is no place to be at dark.

    My sons will NEVER work or live there. NEVER.

  8. Maybe I was just lucky, but in the past 4 years I have walked around downtown Chicago, within about a 1-mile radius of Union Station, during daylight hours, on four separate occasions, and NEVER felt threatened at any time. In each case I had arrived by Amtrak or Metra (for meetings involving State business that wrapped up before noon) and planned to return to Union Station in time for a 5:15 p.m. departing Amtrak train, so I didn’t go any farther away from there than I knew I could reasonably walk. I made it all the way to the lakefront near Buckingham Fountain on one occasion (it was a beautiful fall day) and to the Art Institute on another. Of course, this was the middle of the Loop during business hours and is where all the sightseers, business people, etc. go so it was probably the safest possible area of the city to be. I also didn’t have a car so there was no need to worry about traffic or car theft. As they say, your mileage may vary.

  9. Outsource the governance and policing of Chicago to the government of Singapore. They know how to clean such places up.

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