PopeWatch: Eternity

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VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

 

Galveston, TX–Multiple sources at Prince of Peace Catholic Church in Galveston, Texas have just confirmed that parish pastor Fr. Robert Warner is “never going to wrap up his freaking homily.” 29-year-old mother of three Katrin Flores told Eye of the Tiber that Warner, whose homily was now running more than 25 minutes long, did not seem to be losing any steam whatsoever. “There was a couple times there where we thought he was about to shut it down, but then he’d say something like, ‘A couple more points I’d like to cover.’ But each of those ‘points’ had sub-points, and then there was that ten-minute span when he went off on a tangent about growing up in Warsaw with his strict-though-not-overbearing mother. Seriously demoralizing.” James Thorpe, who was on his third restroom break in just under 15 minutes, reported that Warner wasn’t a terrible speaker, but that he wasn’t Fulton Sheen either. “The man’s a time vampire,” Thorpe said as he suddenly felt an urgent desire to slowly redo his tie before returning to his pew. At press time, Warner has given the congregation a glimmer of hope by pausing for a few seconds before beginning again with the words, “In 1972…a man by the name of…”

Attempts were made to reach the Pope for comment, but Vatican sources indicated that the Pope was in a Mass where a homily was entering its second hour and they were unsure when His Holiness would be available.

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18 Comments

  1. “…and in closing I’d just like to first remind all of you “brothers and sisters” of a little story….

  2. Have you ever noticed how people are so desirous of having the homily end early, the Mass end early, and getting out of the parking early – before anyone else. I wonder if people will be in such a hurry to get out of heaven?

  3. Hopefully Heaven will have better homilies. I wish priests would follow these rules for homilies:

    1. Have a point and stick to it.
    2. Few people are good at extemporaneous remarks and you probably are not among their number.
    3. After 15 minutes you will have lost most of your listeners.
    4. Write out the homily beforehand and read it out loud at least ten times before delivering it.
    5. Quotations should be brief.
    6. Keep references to your pets in homilies to about once a year.
    7. Remember the show business maxim: life is easy, humor is hard.
    8. If you have a pet hobby horse, please do not ride it during your homilies.
    9. Do not adopt a begging, pleading or whining tone in your homily.
    10. Christ, of course, gave excellent speeches. Let Him be your guide, in this, as in all things.

  4. We have a visiting priest like this at our parish. I would love to hear all his rambling stories over a cup of coffee and a donut after mass, but when I’m trying to wrestle a moment of reverence out of my three little heathens, the endless homilies are not a help.

  5. Paul your comment reminds me of a church usher we once had, who moaned abut hour-long masses. He bragged about finding a nearby parish that featured 20 minutes and out (no Latin spoken, of course)
    I then asked him why he wants to go to heaven where the worship service is endless? He just looked blank and walked away, somewhat stunned.

  6. Rule #1 for hearers – be receptive. Adopt an attitude of receiving and actively looking for applications in your own life. Speaking forth a commentary on the readings or other homiletic material is not a one- sided activity. No communication happens if there is no one to hear, to internalize.
    Similarly the dialogue that takes place between the priest and the people is most wonderful with willing and earnest participation.
    The homilist has something to offer you even if you yourself are a far superior public speaker. It does take humility to listen, but we benefit by the grace of God.

  7. The finest preacher I’ve ever known was an ancient Melkite who had a file of sermons for each Sunday of the liturgical year. He’d begun building it in the 1940s and updated it frequently (“whenever I find something from the Church Fathers, I grab it”). They were all done according to a template, with each beginning with setting the Gospel account in a timeline “according to the chronology of the Biblical School of Jerusalem ” and each ending with some practical steps to take during the week. The man has regrettably since died, but his deacon avers he has the file of sermons. I really do wish he would publish them print-on-demand. That old man was a treasure of a sort you never encounter anymore.

  8. As the old saying goes, the first five minutes of a homily are for the parish, the next five are for the priest, and the next five are for the Devil.

  9. I experienced this once. I don’t mind a long homily if it’s good, and I can usually make it through a “penitential” one without grumbling. But this one time, a visiting priest was giving a wandering, earnest homily that wouldn’t end. It wasn’t lessons or anecdotes; it was definitely from the heart, but at some point we all started to wonder if he’d gone around the bend. To be that far off-base about social conventions, it’s like, “what do we do if he actually doesn’t stop?” I was freaked out by it.

    After Mass, I took a different route home and went for a walk before checking the time, just so I wouldn’t be able to calculate how long the Mass really was.

  10. I experienced this once. I don’t mind a long homily if it’s good, and I can usually make it through a “penitential” one without grumbling. But this one time, a visiting priest was giving a wandering, earnest homily that wouldn’t end. It wasn’t lessons or anecdotes; it was definitely from the heart, but at some point we all started to wonder if he’d gone around the bend. To be that far off-base about social conventions, it’s like, “what do we do if he actually doesn’t stop?” I was freaked out by it.

    I see you’ve crossed paths with Fr. Longinus as well. They begin to grow on you those homilies.

  11. Listen to the children in the congregation-their voices, cries, outbursts, whimpers, pleas, groans, and shrieks are of God; and sometimes an enlightening sermon all on their own. And the best: “I have to go now!”. Unless ye become as little children . . .” These folks who want the 12 minute homily, and no more – how many hours later that day will they be looking at a screen of some kind. And how many of those screens will be portraying some grievous sin? In the early church, a Sunday service could take most of the day. What are these folks going to do if and when they are ever in the presence of God Almighty for all eternity? Ask “when is this going to be over?” Guy McClung, San Antonio

  12. Although this is intended as satire, humor often reflects real life. For me it is not the length of the homily, but the quality of it. Homilies take work and few priests are ordained being good at it.

  13. Homilies take work and few priests are ordained being good at it.

    You have a lectionary. You have commentaries. A priest who has been ordained for more than a few years should have some remarks on the Sunday Gospel prepared which he can review and amend as suits him. As the years advance, he can compose remarks on the Epistles, the Psalms, Old Testament readings, and the collects and see if he can integrate or conjoin them in an instructive way. Originality is not the point.

  14. I love the homilies at my church & wisf they were longer & that I could go to mass more often to sit in the quiet presence of the Lord.

    Based on some of the posts on this site, some of you would consider my church services to be very liberal. I spoke with someone in the community this past week who indicated that my parish has a reputation for being very staunch traditionalists. Huh??? Although the priests, as far as I know are completely committed to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. My church also has a relatively large number of young people entering the priesthood.

  15. In the dioceses in NZ, the bishops have adopted as an ideal time for a homily 7 minutes, with no more that 3 points made. A good homily does take quite a time to prepare – most of my homilies take between 6 and 10 hours to prepare. I like to check everything including my sources for accuracy and I don’t mess around with PC language, as many priests do. In fact, I have been told by some of our priests that the previous bishop did not want them to preach on such things as Hell, Mortal in etc; but he never told the deacons :-). So in my preaching on these topics when it is relevant to the readings, I have fielded several complaints, but many more people thank me.
    I don’t really care if people complain – at least it proves they were listening, and I make absolutely certain that what i say is scriptural, and the TRUTH!

    Dcn. Don.

  16. Don-too bad this bishop wasn’t there some 2000 years ago to correct Jesus on the Mount. No worry, we have all sorts of liberals and dissenters today letting us know the mistakes Jesus and God the Father have made. Hopefully this Fall the Pope and the synod and the germanomaniacs will correct Jesus’ teaching on marriage and Leviticus and St Paul on men laying with men. Guy McClung, San Antonio

  17. Apparently the diocese recently held a homily workshop. The homilies at daily Mass are best when it’s a saint’s memorial. We attend the 0730 Sunday Mass, which is the ”quiet service”, i. e., no music except for the Sanctus and Agnus Dei sung acapella. Our priest knows if he talks too long at that hour of the morning we’ll all nod off except for the baby that always cries at the Conscretion. The offer it up for the poor souls in purgtory homily is the bishop’s recording of the Bishop’ Lenten Appeal letter in Jan. A former parochial vicor would prop a portrait of the bishop on the lectern for a focal point as an option to the crucifix or one’s shoes for the lengthy, droning, begging.

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