PopeWatch: Martians

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VATICAN-POPE-AUDIENCE

 

 

From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:

New Calcedonia, Mars––Thousands of New Calcedonian martians from the northern quadrant of sector 490-3t protested outside New St. Peter’s today as bishops began talks on a number of heated issues including inter-species marriage and receiving communion in the pinchers. “The faithful and bishops alike are hoping to cover all the core issues that the average Catholic martian on the planet’s going through; issues such as understanding ‘the fall’ in regards to the martian race, and of course, receiving communion in the pinchers as opposed to one of the tongues,” spokesman for the Church in sectors 490-3t and 490-4t Androm’da Zmit told the press outside New St. Peter’s Square. “I have faith that our Holy Father Beeblebrox XV, together with the bishops, will be able to guide the faithful in these decisions…to help them better understand how he, she, or heshe can better telecommunicate the gospel.” One issue receiving lots of attention is that of intergalactic marriage. The question of whether humans could lawfully marry martians was first thrust into the spotlight when well known intergalactic space hockey player Xed Zardox fell in love with martian actress Trillion Pan Vogon, causing a storm of controversy. Other issues the bishops are considering are whether it’s admissible to form crop circles outside one’s own property and whether human probing is to be allowed during Lent.

Pope Francis Benedict John Paul III was heard to mutter, “Oh for the simple days of 2015!”

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7 Comments

  1. Now it makes sense; our priests, aka Men in Black.

    As for the use of pincher’s while receiving, I’m vehemently opposed to it.
    We have no idea where those pincher’s have been!

    Intergalactic Marriage?
    Ever since the Bestiality Movement won praise from the United Nations things like intergalactic marriage seem trivial.
    After all, who would of ever thought the goatdogtranshuman President would be in the Oval office?
    Kids these days. What da ya going do.

  2. In othe noteworthy news, the famed hybrid great-great-great-grand-offspring of Caitlin Jenner has shocked the faithful by announcing her intentions of altering her biology to that of a Venetian cockroach, in clear violation of Cannon 2345. There is rumor that the Germanic bishops have approved of the move as pastoral and noted that cockroaches are among the most sustainable of all known species..

  3. I’m almost 74. I’ve been a Catholic all my life; 12 years of Catholic schools. I strongly dislike Pope Francis. He is a socialist, a Peronista and an admirer of Fidel Castro. I’m thinking of cutting myself off from this Clown.

  4. @ John E. Rescoe-

    Pray everyday for this pontiff!

    I agree that we are experiencing a papal soup that is difficult to swallow, but let’s remember the Owner of the Bistro!

    He can and will change hearts at a glance. For whatever reason..chastisement (?)…cleansing (?)..He The Author of Life is and will always be in control.

    Please hang on to your rosaries and tough it out in prayer. Much more will be revealed in the near future. Good / Bad, whatever happens we must remain faithful to God.

  5. You may recall recall this:

    “That was unthinkable. If – for example – tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us, here… Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them… And one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”http://www.news.va/en/news/pope-at-mass-the-holy-spirit-makes-the-unthinkable

    And

    In Baptism, join new faithful to the People of God. Do not ever refuse Baptism to anyone who asks! http://www.zenit.org/en/articles/pope-s-homily-to-new-priests-on-52nd-world-day-of-prayer-for-vocations

    Pope Francis’ Martians are “people living in such unions [same sex] request[ing] a child’s baptism” – http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/synod/documents/rc_synod_doc_20140626_instrumentum-laboris-familia_en.html#Difficult_Pastoral_Situations

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