From the only reliable source of Catholic news on the net, Eye of the Tiber:
Hours after the first day of the Vatican Sex Abuse Summit concluded yesterday, Pope Francis stood before close to 200 participants and a small gathering of reporters and announced that “all went well,” before going on to tell everyone that they were “welcome to now leave.”
“Thank you so very much for your concern,” Francis told reporters. “Honestly, it really means a lot that you’re here and reporting on this very important matter that we’re all taking super seriously as can be seen by this summit that we were not at all pressured to do, but did it because we care. But, after a full day of work on this matter—many hours, mind you—we’ve figured it all out. And it wasn’t even that hard too, I gotta be honest.”
The pope went on to exhort those in attendance to leave the Vatican and to please start focusing on other “crazy things going on in the world.”
“So what’s up with this whole Zion and his shoe blowing out thing? Crazy, right? You think he should stop playing until he gets into the NBA? You guys should totally focus on that and I’d totally be down to give you guys quotes and stuff if you guys wanted it.”
After being asked what steps the Vatican planned on taking to address sex abuse in the future, Francis said that the details were “rock solid” and that “this kinda thing won’t happen again.”
“Trust me, it’s super complicated and, to be honest, kinda tedious. I don’t wanna bore you and waste your time with the details. Just leave here knowing that it’s all figured out. Like, totally figured out.”
Go here to comment. PopeWatch called the Vatican for comment, but was advised that the Pope was too busy training dogs to ride ponies to come to the phone.
Rumor has it that the media were flabbergasted after being informed that the pope fed the many Bishops there with just a few fishes and a couple of loaves of bread.
Cupich walked that back a bit, but promised the Vatican would take that issue up at the next synod to be held in Saudi Arabia.
I haven’t been following this closely. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have the heart, if I’m afraid of disappointment, or if I just don’t care as I ought. From the little bit of attention I’ve been paying, I’ve picked up two things: 1) (this from a guest on Al Kresta’s radio program Thurs: Celibacy is both hard and unnatural —so maybe Spiritual Fathers need to be biological fathers so they know what it’s like to have a father’s heart [n.b. more implied than stated outright] 2) The Wymyns be feeling neglected because the whole gay elephant in the room (that we’re not talking about —because it’s gay and an elephant—in the room!) is a distraction from the real problem which is females are being abused too! [n.b. this was some spokesfemale from that survivors network that’s all about teh agenda and not about survivors that I saw on ABC or PBS before I changed the channel in disgust].
The Book of Vatican Law isn’t a vicious anti-Catholic slander. Not anymore.
The
BookHoly Document of Vatican Law isn’t a vicious anti-Catholic slander.… With a genial smile as he exited the holy father reminded the families of seminarians of the importance of good vibes .
It’s a real shame Eye of the Tiber wrote this. Copyright will mean less material for Lutheran Satire to invent.