Game of Presidents

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News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:

 

KING’S LANDING—Entering an already crowded field of 2020 Democratic candidates, Cersei Lannister, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms announced Tuesday her candidacy for President of the United States of America.

Lannister’s vicious politics and position as a fierce, powerful, independent feminist icon have already positioned her at the front of the pack. Her cynical, ruthless rise to power mirrors that of many of the Democratic candidates currently running as well, making her an even better fit to hold high office for the Democrats.

“After much deliberation, I’ve decided I can help the nation best by running for president as a Democrat in 2020,” she said in a speech delivered to a mass of peasants in the shadow of the Red Keep. “Their platform of handing more and more power and money to the elite few in government, no matter who has to be killed to make it happen, is exactly in line with my core values.”

“When you run for president, you win or you die,” she added ominously.

“Cersei’s the perfect Democratic candidate: brutal, thirsty for power, a big-government advocate—she’ll fit right in,” said one political pundit. “She’s even OK with killing kids for political gain. Frankly, her position on child murder isn’t quite extreme enough for most of the Democrats nowadays, but maybe a centrist is really what they need.”

Go here to read the rest.  I have obtained a ten point position paper from her campaign:

 

  1. Vote for me Peasant’s, it’s my Turn!, is her campaign slogan, an homage to the implicit slogan of the Hillary Clinton campaign.
  2. She promises to lower the interest rate paid on the national debt by a debt consolidation loan for a portion of it with the Iron Bank, and negotiations with current debt holders on the remainder conducted in her torture chambers.
  3. She will soothe concerns about Global Warming with the slogan Winter is Coming, stolen borrowed from the Starks.
  4. She will court the vote of women by promising to disembowel all attractive blonde women between the ages of 18-30.
  5. She promises a war against religion and will not rest until the followers of  The High Sparrow Christian leaders are brought to heel.
  6. She will explore new avenues of sexual freedom by advocating the legalization of incest, and promises to place Congresswoman Ilhar Omar in charge of this effort.
  7. She will reduce taxes on the lower classes through wealth confiscation of the nobility one percent.
  8. She promises a vigorous foreign policy against all enemy nations, especially those harboring dragons weapons of mass destruction.
  9. She will welcome illegal aliens under the policy that no nation can have too many peasants citizens.
  10. She hopes for broad bi-partisan support for her campaign.  She notes that a Lannister always pays her debts and that she will be paying very close attention to both those who support and oppose her.

To be honest, it is all no crazier than the Green New Deal.  I rate her chances of getting the nomination as good, particularly if she carries through with her promise to torture to death her Democrat primary opponents on national TV during the first Democrat debate.  President Trump is obviously taking her seriously as he has placed Vice President Pence in charge of negotiations for the support of Daenerys Targaryen, archenemy of Cersei, during the upcoming election, which might explain his tweet about establishing a new arm of the military called the Dragon Corps.

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One Comment

  1. Y’know, were Cersi Lannister to marry General Zod, you’d have pretty much the ultimate Washington D.C. power couple.

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