News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
Hey, loyal subjects of the Empire. Darth Vader here, Dark Lord of the Sith and renowned pro-choice advocate.
Plenty of buzz has been going around the comlinks about if we should have destroyed Alderaan. Some people claim we are killing innocent people with our giant green super laser that can snuff out billions of insignificant little lives all at once. Some point out that the lives we claim are actual living creatures, rather than just a clump of rebel scum.
Let me be clear about this once and for all:
My 👏 Death 👏 Star 👏, my 👏 choice 👏 !
It couldn’t be any simpler than that.
I am a leader of the Empire. The Empire owns the Death Star. The Empire also owns hundreds of planets. These planets are a part of the Empire. Therefore, if we melt the faces off of a billion humans at once, guess what? It’s simply my choice. It doesn’t matter whether or not the organisms we kill are separate and distinct from the Empire. It is an issue of superlaser-productive rights.
Go here to read the rest. Final Vader comment: “Hey, it isn’t as if I had kids on the planet. I mean I am evil incarnate, hence the black costume and deep breathing, but even I wouldn’t kill my own flesh and blood. Only a true monster could do that! Now, time to hunt down some more rebel scum.”