To all pirates I have but one thing to say: amateurs.
Donald R. McClarey, Lawyer
Aye Maties, today tis Speak Like a Pirate Day again!
Pirate Preamble to the Constitution
We th’ Scallywags o’ th’ United States, in Order t’ form a more perfect Crew, establish the Articles of Our Cruise, insure Peace, provide fer th’ Watch for th’ Fleet, promote th’ general Good, ‘n secure th’ Blessin’s o’ Liberty Port t’ ourselves ‘n our young ‘uns forever, do haul up ‘n start this Constitution fer th’ United States o’ America.Ahoy!
Pirate Gettysburg Address
Ar, it be about four score and seven years ago since our fathers made ye new nation, a liberty port for all hands from end to end, and dedicated t’ t’ truth that all swabs be created equal.
Now we be fightin’ a great ruckus, testin’ whether ye nation, or any nation so minted like it, can last through the long watch. We be met on a great boardin’ fight o’ that war. We have come t’ dedicate a spot o’ that field, as a final restin’ place for those who here swallowed the anchor forever that that nation might live. It be altogether fittin’ and proper that we be doin’ this.
But, truth be told, we can not set aside, we can not pray over, we can not hallow this ground. T’ brave swabs, livin’ and went t’ Davy Jones’ locker, who fit here, have blessed it, far over our poor power t’ add or swipe back. T’ world won’t writ what we say here, but it can never forget what those swabs did here. It be for us t’ livin’, rather, t’ be dedicated here t’ finishin’ t’ work which they who fit here have begun. It be rather for us t’ be here dedicated t’ t’ great chore remainin’ before us—that from these honored swabs we take increased love t’ what they died for—that we here Bible swear that these shipmates shall not have went t’ Davy Jones’ locker for nothin’—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth o’ freedom—and that government o’ t’ crew, by t’ crew, for t’ crew, shall not perish from t’ seven seas.
Pirate Second Inaugural Address
On t’ occasion like this four years ago all thoughts were anxiously directed t’ an impendin’ civil war. All were scared of it, all sought t’ stop it.”
While t’ startin’ talk was bein’ delivered from this place, devoted altogether t’ savin’ t’ port without war, swabs were in t’ city seekin’ t’ destroy it without war–seekin’ t’ dissolve t’ port and divide t’ port by parley. Both parties deprecated war, but one o’ them would make a ruckus rather than let t’ nation survive, and t’ other would accept a ruckus rather than let it perish, and t’ war came. ”
One-eighth o’ all the swabs were black slaves, not livin’ all over t’ port, but localized in t’ southern part o’ it. These slaves made a peculiar and powerful interest for the swabs who owned ’em. All knew that this interest was somehow t’ cause o’ t’ ruckus. T’ strengthen, keep through the long watch, and spread slavery was t’ object for which t’ insurgents would rend t’ Union even by war, while t’ Government claimed no starboard t’ do more than t’ restrict t’ spread o’ it.
Neither party expected for t’ ruckus t’ size or t’ time of it. Neither reckoned that t’ cause o’ t’ fight might cease with or even before t’ conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier win, less great and astoundin’. Both read t’ same Bible and pray t’ t’ same Good Lord, and each invokes His help against t’ other.”
It may seem passin’ odd that any swabs should dare t’ ask a the Good Lord’s assistance in wrin’in’ their bread from t’ sweat o’ other swab’s faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged. T’ prayers o’ both could not be answered. That o’ neither has been answered fully. T’ Almighty has His own chart. “Woe unto t’ world because o’ sins; for it must needs be that sins come, but woe t’ that man by whom t’ offense cometh.”
If we shall guess that American slavery be one o’ those sins which, in t’ will o’ the Good Lord, must needs come, but which, havin’ lasted through His appointed time, He now wills t’ remove, and that He gives t’ both North and South this terrible war as t’ woe due t’ those by whom t’ evil came, shall we ahoy tharin any difference from those divine likenesses which t’ believers in a livin’ God always ascribe t’ Him?
Sweetly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty plague o’ war may speedily pass away. Yet, if the Good Lord wills that it continue until all t’ wealth piled by t’ slave’s two hundred and fifty years o’ pressed toil shall be sunk, and until every drop o’ blood drawn with t’ lash shall be paid by another drawn with t’ cutlas, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said “t’ judgments o’ t’ Lord be true and starboardeous altogether.” ”
With evil toward none, with helpin’ for all, with firmness in t’ starboard as the Good Lord gives us t’ see t’ starboard, let us strive on t’ finish t’ chore we be in, t’ bind up t’ nation’s wounds, t’ care for him who shall have borne t’ fight and for his widow and his orphan, t’ do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lastin’ peace among ourselves and with all other crews. ”