Pope Francis today announced that he was placing Vatican finances under the sole control of Scrooge McDuck. The Pope admitted that it might seem odd to enlist the services of an elderly, fictional, Presbyterian Duck, but he defended the appointment by noting that crazy times call for crazy solutions. McDuck, speaking with a strong Scottish burr, announced several policy initiatives.
- The construction of buildings known as money bins to hold Church funds in each Diocese.
- The money bins would be inspected by him personally.
- Security for the money bins would be the responsibility of his three great nephews: Huey, Dewey and Louie.
- A Crusade for the eradication of the Beagle Boys.
- Usury to be encouraged.
- The sale of indulgences to be resumed.
- Simony to be punished by cruel and unusual death.
- Vatican Finances to operate from Fort Knox.
- His nephew Donald Duck given a sign to carry around the Vatican noting that nepotism now carried a death penalty.
- The next decade to be the decade of thrift for the Church.
And with that, PopeWatch is on Thanksgiving hiatus until December 2, 2019.