News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:
We are pleased to announce our Person of the Year 2019 is Hillary Clinton (please send help).
Our editorial board wants it to be very clear that we did not make this decision while under any kind of threat or duress. We polled everybody on our staff, and they all agreed that Hillary Clinton is a stunning, brave, and wonderful woman who wouldn’t hurt our families or cause bodily harm to come to us if we did not select her (oh my gosh a windowless van just pulled up in front of my house please send someone over now oh man guys with guns are getting out oh no.)
From her work on human rights issues to her love for the unborn, Hillary Clinton is one of the greatest individuals to ever grace this great country. (please do not break my kneecaps.)
Go here to read the rest. I am shocked to have to report that the staff of The Babylon Bee have all committed suicide. They left this joint suicide note behind.
Goodbye cruel world. We have jointly and severally decided to end our lives by
arkancide suicide. No one has coerced us into doing this, especially not Hillary Clinton. Any signs of struggle were caused by us thrashing about in our death throes. If our prior signatures do not match the signatures on this suicide note, it was due to the great feelings of despair we have for telling so many lies, especially about Hillary Clinton, the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being we’ve ever known in our lives. Vote Hillary 2020. Farewell, and no investigations of our deaths, for the sake of our children.