Vatican City: It was announced today that on December 25 Pope Francis will hold a solemn de-canonization Mass, during which Saint Nicholas will be stripped of his sainthood. Monsignor Grinch G. Grinch explained why this was being done:
First, because it is widely rumored that Bishop Nicholas struck Father Arius at the Council of Nicaea. This pontificate has a strict no violence policy, especially over religious squabbles.
Second, because Bishop Nicholas was completely un-ecumenical, as demonstrated by his violence against Father Arius.
Third, Bishop Nicholas made the mistake, so it is alleged, of engaging in actions of private charity, instead of urging Emperor Constantine to relieve the poor using the power of the Roman State.
Fourth, Bishop Nicholas has become associated with Santa Claus, an avatar of private charity who is persona non grata in the current pontificate.
After the de-canonization, the choir will sing an Arian hymn, Don’t Cry for Me Jesus Christ, to the tune of Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.