The Vatican announced today a new position: Papal Bouncer. The first official Papal Bouncer will be Brother Guido Teppista, a member of the order of the Guardians of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. No more will popes have bad press because someone commits the lese majeste of uninvited touching of the papal person and the Pope has to swat away the offending hand. Now the Pope has only to blow a blast on his silver whistle, and all 250 pounds of the muscular Brother Guido will swing into action to remove the offender from the papal presence. Pope Francis has promised to teach Brother Guido some of the bouncer moves that the Pope learned long ago in Argentina. A Sister Brunhilda, also a member of the order of the Guardians of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, is reportedly in training to serve as a backup Papal Bouncer. She already has a reputation of wielding the swiftest ruler in Germany. The Pope is now safe from small Asian women.