It was announced today at the Vatican that the Pope understands that in many parts of the globe Catholics are deprived of the Mass. To help solve this problem the Vatican will be streaming Masses said by Jesuits. Vatican spokesperson Sister Mary Joseph Mendacia gives us the details.
“The Holy Father wishes the faithful deprived of physical Masses to take comfort in these streaming Masses. Jesuits tend to offer fairly spartan, no-frill Masses. All ornaments that would distract the eye will therefore not be present. Music will be hymns composed in the sixties and seventies of the last century by the Saint Louis Jesuits, accompanied by guitars, tambourines and sung by the Nuns on the Bus Choir. Sermons will last for thirty minutes and be centered on social justice topics. The language in which the Mass is said will be gender neutral. The Jesuits saying the Mass will be wearing leisure suits from the seventies of the last century. The consecration prayer will be carefully mumbled. After these Lenten Masses the Holy Father hopes the Faithful will be fortified to await their regular Masses, hopefully after Easter, hopefully in 2020.”
Sister Mendacia then ran for her life.