Donald R. McClarey

You Have Liberties Until You Really Need Them

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: U.S.—As of this weekend, based on recommendations from the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization, all civil libertiess have been declared nonessential. The Department of Homeland Security

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Donald R. McClarey

Figures

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: EDINA, WA—Well, this is disappointing: Bill Gates had discovered a cure for coronavirus, but the hard drive he had it saved on was wiped out by a Windows virus. Not

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Donald R. McClarey

Lemmings R Us

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   U.S.—After state governments across the country directed their citizens to shut down their businesses and just kinda hope things worked out, a new order has been issued: everyone is to

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Donald R. McClarey

Essential and Non-Essential

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: DALLAS, TX—Local man Tregg Trenton lost his job three weeks ago since it was deemed “non-essential” by the authorities. Trenton and some ten million other people have lost their employment since

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Donald R. McClarey

The April 1 Edition of the Bee

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   We usually publish satire, but today is April 1, and we wanted to write straight news for once. Just because we are jokesters does not mean we don’t have real

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Donald R. McClarey

Works Like a Cursed Charm

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   U.S.—Local man Paul Jensen is being heralded as a genius and hero after he got the brilliant idea to defuse an argument with his wife by suggesting that she “calm

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Donald R. McClarey

Hand Washing Doesn’t Always Work

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: ISRAEL—Bible scholars have agreed that Pontius Pilate didn’t wash his hands long enough or thoroughly enough to avoid taking any of the responsibility for the crucifixion of Jesus. While many

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Donald R. McClarey

Bats in the Belfry

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   GOTHAM—Gotham City has been dealing with its own epidemic of coronavirus. Many wanted to pin the outbreak on the Riddler, thinking “corona” was some kind of code to be

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Donald R. McClarey

Well Boys, Bats Are Back off the Menu

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to help curb the spread of Coronavirus, Chick-fil-a has announced that it will temporarily be changing its advertising slogan from “Eat Mor Chikin” to “Eat Fewer

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Donald R. McClarey

Never Let a Crisis Go to Waste

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change. “If we

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Donald R. McClarey

Of Tin Pot Dictators and Two Trillion Dollars

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: U.S.—According to sources, Trump is just kicking himself after promising $1000 to every American. According to a new study, 50% of conservatives would give up freedom and fiscal responsibility for much

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Donald R. McClarey

Useful Idiots?

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: BEIJING—According to sources with the Communist Party of China, party members are deeply humbled and incredibly grateful to the American media for running defense for them without even charging for

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Donald R. McClarey

Toilet Users of the World Unite!

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   BURLINGTON, VT—In a video message recorded from one of his many, many houses, Bernie Sanders has called on the workers of the world to unite and seize the means of

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Donald R. McClarey

Power to the Incompetents!

    News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: I have had it up to here [I am gesturing toward my scarf] with the federal government’s slow, inept response to the coronavirus outbreak. The clear solution to this

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Donald R. McClarey

The Good News

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   WORLD—The latest data on the spread of the coronavirus has come in, and the results are clear: 100% of the earth is still under God’s dominion. “We’ve analyzed the

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Donald R. McClarey

Time of the Nerds

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: U.S.—The nation’s nerds woke up in a utopia this morning, one where everyone stays inside, sporting events are being canceled, and all social interaction is forbidden. All types of nerds,

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Donald R. McClarey

A Crazy Candidate for Crazy Times

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   COLUMBUS, OH—In a campaign speech delivered via remote video feed, presidential candidate Joe Biden reassured everyone that the coronavirus outbreak “isn’t so bad” and that “the Black Plague” was much

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Donald R. McClarey

PC and the China Flu

  The Babylon Bee explains it all for us: With the rise of the novel coronavirus, there has been an uptick in people saying racist things like suggesting the virus came from the region it did in fact come from.

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Donald R. McClarey

Cancel Culture

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: WASHINGTON, D.C.—In real news that totally actually happened, President Trump has announced that in the interest of public safety, the 2020 presidential election has been canceled. “It’s just too risky,” President

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Donald R. McClarey

Deathwish

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: CHAPPAQUA, NY—In a recent interview from her wine cellar this week, Hillary Clinton revealed some of her favorite methods for dealing with stress.  “Being the president is an extremely stressful

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Donald R. McClarey

We Could Do Worse

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: ACME LABS—Two genetically enhanced laboratory mice, Pinky and the Brain, announced Friday their 2020 presidential run. The mice have been engineered to think and speak, though the experimentation seems to

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Donald R. McClarey

A Shame to Her Tribe

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: CHEROKEE NATION—Having dropped out of the presidential race, Elizabeth Warren rode in solitude back to her reservation, having failed to take the land back from the pale faces. “I am

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Donald R. McClarey

Fake News

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: LIMA, OH—Dale Miller, a 57-year-old uncle of someone, made an embarrassing mistake on Facebook yesterday. According to sources, Dale shared a CNN article under the mistaken impression that CNN is

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Donald R. McClarey

Say It Ain’t So Bernie!

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: SAINT PAUL, MN—This year’s Democratic primary campaign has been filled with gaffes by the candidates, but Monday may have brought the worst one of all, as Democratic socialist Bernie Sanders tried

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Donald R. McClarey

The Hope of the Democrat Party

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: HOUSTON, TX—Fresh off his afternoon nap, presidential candidate Joe Biden gave a fiery, high-energy speech in Houston today, claiming to be the only candidate who could beat incumbent Ronald Reagan.

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Donald R. McClarey

Where the Election Stands

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: U.S.—Pete Buttigieg has been forced to drop out of the presidential race in the midst of scandalous revelations that he’s actually a white male. Despite the Buttigieg campaign’s best efforts, Democrat

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Donald R. McClarey

Omega Joe

    News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   CHARLESTON, SC—Joe Biden made the incredible claim at last night’s debate that he is the last remaining survivor of gun violence on the earth. “Tragically, 7,767,050,847 have been killed

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Donald R. McClarey

Bernie’s Favorite Country

  News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   U.S.—After Bernie Sanders praised elements of Cuba’s totalitarian regime, the presidential candidate’s loyal supporters scrambled to cobble together makeshift rafts so they could paddle over to Cuba to experience

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Donald R. McClarey

Re-release

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   UK—Have you ever tried to imagine living in a perfect world ruled by communism, but previously only received the information from catchy folk songs which praise the system? Well, lucky

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Donald R. McClarey

Milburn Pennybags

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee: U.S.—Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has come under attack for hypocrisy. One common line of attack is that while he claims to be a socialist who is always looking out for the

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Donald R. McClarey

Socialism For Thee, But Not For Me

News that I missed, courtesy of The Babylon Bee:   LAS VEGAS, NV—Bernie Sanders took criticism for owning three houses at last night’s Democratic debate. He defended himself eloquently, using the argument that “basically everyone who’s not a dumb, poor

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